Transition!

Ok, so I have a post on my birthday hanging around but I just haven't had the time to download the pix etc etc etc...excuses I know.

The reason mainly is because I have lost all focus!   I have finally realised/admitted that I have really struggled with the girls going to school full time.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE that they are getting on really well, they adore their respective teachers, they are happy going into and coming out of school and they are well rounded gorgeous children.  I was so ready for them to go too.  In the UK, children go to school the September term after they turn 4, William is a July birthday so he went to school 2 months after his 4th birthday, the girls on the other hand are Sept 11th, a week after term starts so they stayed home for a whole year longer than him.  I had them home for effectively 5 years.  As many of you know, I struggled for at least the first 3 years of their lives with postnatal/postpartum depression but I have overcome that, it took a while but I am there.

I had no idea that I would feel like this.  I had plans, lists, the house was finally going to get tidied, washed, scrubbed after years of only surface cleaning.  Paint was going to be touched up. I was going to focus on and grow my business BUT, I have no focus!  It is hard.  I come home and float around.  I feel I don't have an identitiy.  I don't know where I want to be, what I want to do, it's hard.  FB, sitting not actually doing anything, doing small jobs but not actually achieving anything happens alot.  Dec and Jan have been wiped with mum and dad being here, stuff gets done but we also hang out and I love it.  They don't live locally so when they are here I'm not going to just go off and do jobs!  It's hard.

Anyway, after finally admitting this out loud (I have to do this, otherwise I don't admit it) I am starting over.  You know what, I have craved time for myself to properly catch up with friends...without being pulled on by a child, to go to the gym and then do, just stuff....I am letting myself do this in the hope that I will move on and get it out of my system.  I am not putting any pressure on myself with lists, goals or anything else I have to achieve.  I am trying to be happy with what I am doing/feeling/being right now..not what I could be, or what other people want/expect me to be.  I am going to say No, I am going to say Yes, I might even say Maybe, but I will only say any of these things if it is right for me.  I have been a full time mum for 8 years (yep remember I got fired at 15weeks pregnant with William).  I haven't been ME for that long in any long term capacity.  I have lots of different friends that I want to get to know and friendships that I want to maintain too! 

Watch this space, it could all change in a week but right now this is how I am feeling, right here, right now.  I have always and do always try to be honest here.  It helps me realize what is going on and I hope if anyone out there still reads this it helps them to realise that we don't feel like this alone.   It took me a LONG time to realise this family raising business is hard.  I pray for me and my family that we can find a happy place where we are all fulfilled and settled.
xxxxx